Beatrix: three months
June 06, 2013
You are a professional smiler. You will smile at anyone, all they have to do is smile at you first. You've started making excited gurgles and squawks when someone is really working for your smiles too. Soon our ears will be full of the sound of your laughter, I can tell. My favourite day with you is Thursdays. It's our day together, just you and I and we make the most of loving each other. Actually recently you make the most of sleeping on Thursdays because your sister has taken to seeking you out wherever you're sleeping and trying to play with you. I keep telling people that Thursday is your day to catch up on sleep. But even when you are sleeping the day away I am cuddling you and stroking your peach fuzz hair, and letting you hold my pinky in your sleep.
You can still roll from your back onto your tummy and now you can roll from your tummy onto your back too. You did it for the first time at your health nurse check up, just as I was telling her you couldn't do it and just as she was saying that it's hard to go from back to tummy but not tummy to back so what were you doing, you did it! You are also trying desperately to bat at the things on your play mat. If I hold my fingers in front of your face you do this funny little wind up motion, like you're psyching your arms up to move, then throw them up and grab on to my fingers. It's so cool to watch you learning things every day. I can carry you on my hip now and your little head goes crazy moving to follow all of the exciting things the world has to offer visually.
You still sleep well at night although in the last few days you have been restless. You still breastfeed overnight but I don't think I'm producing enough milk for you, you have seemed hungry every hour. I bought some formula today for top ups. I have mixed feelings about giving it to you, just like I did with your sister but while I build up my supply with pumping and fenugreek we need an immediate solution. I worry that topping up will affect my breastfeeding, even though Violet had top ups and I breastfed her for a year. Mummy guilt, mummy worry, one day (I hope) you'll understand the pangs of it. It's not a bad thing, to want the best for your babies and worry that the decisions you make won't turn out to be the right ones. Even the silly ones, like this one, that really don't matter in the end.
In a couple of days we are going away to Sydney, just like we did this weekend last year. You came with us then too, you know. I carried you inside me on the airplane, a tiny secret, even from me. We tested for you there and got a negative result. I spent the rest of the trip slightly sad. I had hoped so much to be celebrating being pregnant. You tricked us though, we tested a week later, after I convinced Rob (but not myself) that it might be worth doing just one more time, just in case. Then there you were, two lines on the stick, my heart whole again. I don't know that you will be our last baby but right now you complete our family. I hope that you always feel it, even if occasionally in the future I let you down. All my love for you.